I’m not the most social of people.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m good in groups. I make a good impression. I can be friendly and sociable like the rest of them… But I’m better in small doses.
I’m not very good with large groups.
And I don’t exactly hang out with groups of people every day. It’s more intermittent.
I’m more of a once and awhile friend.
We hang out on special occasions, coffee dates, movie nights… But most nights I like to spend at home with Mark. I like to curl up on the couch and watch one of our favourite shows, intertwined. Then we head up to our room for a little raunchy one on one time.
It’s not glamourous. But it’s us.
But now my personal space has been invaded.
There’s no us time for Mark and I.
Hell, there’s no work time for me because Lindsey is always there wanting attention. She wants us to hang out with her, to watch TV with her, to cook with her and laugh with her. And I get that, she has just gone through a very tough time, but I can’t stop working or I won’t be able to pay the bills and then I’ll have to kick her out.
Then no one wins.
So lately blogging has been a very difficult thing. I’ve been emailing myself entries that I type inconspicuously on the couch from a few feet away, hoping that she can’t read what I’m typing over my shoulder.
She knows nothing about this blog, and I don’t think I’d ever have the heart to tell her. I can’t say I have always painted her or my interpretation of the situation in the best of lights. So I can’t tell her.
I try to do what I can here and there from my phone or iPad to get work done, but I’m neglecting most of what I need to do.
Mark knows this so he has tried to take her with him when he heads out or has offered to otherwise occupy her when he can. (Nothing dirty here! Get your mind out of the gutter, people!)
The problem is, them spending alone time together is bothering me a little bit. I’m trying to be open about the two of them having a relationship but it is hard.
Lindsey told me she was interested in Mark. I told both Lindsey and Mark they had my blessing. They both know that I have talked it over with each of them individually.
But that’s all I know of it.
Mark hasn’t said anything about what they’ve discussed or if they’ve even discussed it. But since Lindsey has been making hints at me that she would like to sleep with me, do I really believe she hasn’t done the same of Mark?
Do I really believe the second night that she was here she told me she was interested in Mark, got my permission, and then said nothing to him even though she knows I talked to him about it?
Maybe they haven’t said a thing to each other. Although they seem to have no problem cuddling up on the couch when I’m not around… So, what’s a girl to think?
Are there things you aren’t telling me?
Is there a reason you aren’t telling me? Is it because you think it will hurt me? And if so… If you can’t tell me you had a conversation… Then how is this relationship supposed to work?
I’m getting paranoid and crazy and I’m pretty sure this isn’t how a successful poly relationship is supposed to work!
I feel like this whole situation has been thrust upon us.
It would be so different if we had been given the chance to date Lindsey first, as a couple before she moved in.
But instead we’re here and I’m left playing the guessing game.
I’m sick of being paranoid.
But I also don’t want to have to be the instigator. I’d rather feel that they trust me enough to have an open conversation about what has happened or been said. If I feel they are hiding things from me, how am I supposed to be ok with this?
Clearly a conversation has to happen. With both of them.
I just… How do you do this? No, seriously, please… Someone tell me how you do this.